A typical business Yankee at the end of the 19th century, who knows how to do any thing in the world, gets a blow to the skull during a skirmish at his factory, gets from the industrial state of Connecticut in the era of King Arthur - more likely the hero of many chivalrous novels than the real king of the British at the turn of the 5th-6th centuries AD fought with the Anglo-Saxons. A knocked-out Yankee is taken prisoner by a knight, whom our hero initially takes as a madman, and Arthur Kamelot Castle as a madhouse. The head of the pages, Clarence, a funny, pretty boy in bright red pants that looked like a forked carrot, in passing informs him that now is June 19, 528. In confusion, the Yankees recall that in this case a total eclipse should take place in two days, and that in that year from which he came should not be.
The Yankees are led into a huge hall with an oak table the size of a circus arena, around which in bright outlandish clothes sit a lot of men drinking from whole bull horns and eating meat directly from the bull bones, which are waiting for a pack of dogs, now and then rushing into the fray for the spoils - to the general delight of those present. Dazzlingly brightly dressed women are located in the gallery - opposite the musicians.
In the intervals between dog fights, knights, very friendly and attentive to each other, are engaged in the fact that they lie monstrously about their military exploits and just as innocently listen to other people's lies. Obviously, they exterminate their enemies not from malice and not from mercenary thoughts, but exclusively from the love of glory.
Captive of our Yankees, Sir Kay condemns him to death, but everyone is confused by his strange, most likely enchanted costume, but the famous court sorcerer, Elder Merlin, advises him to undress - and the hero’s nudity again confuses him alone. The Yankee pretends to be an even more powerful sorcerer and, already raised to the fire, orders the sun to go out, and then, taking advantage of general horror, returns the sun in exchange for the dignity of a permanent minister, vested with all the full executive power.
It quickly becomes clear that silk and velvet outfits are very impractical, and even ministers are deprived of true comfort - along with soap, candles, mirrors, a telephone, gas ... Fine art also does not matter - not a single color advertisement of the insurance company on the wall. But glory! And the furious envy of old Merlin, who spreads rumors about his competitor's sorcerous impotence. With the help of Clarence and several gunsmiths, the Yankees make a decent portion of gunpowder and a lightning rod, and then in the next thunderstorm destroys the tower of Merlin with "heavenly fire": the "magic of science" turns out to be stronger than outdated charms.
The prestige of the Yankees rises even higher, and yet the power of the church remains immeasurably more powerful, and in general, the nation does not know how to truly appreciate any valor if it is not supported by a peacock pedigree. In the end, the Yankees receive from the people the only “Master” title in the country, which does not prevent the counts and dukes from looking down upon him. True, Sir Sagramor Zhelanniy honors his challenge for a duel due to an accidental misunderstanding. The fight itself is postponed for three to four years, until Sir Sagramram returns from another journey in search of the Holy Grail - the goblet into which, according to legend, the blood of Christ was once collected.
In the time allotted, the Yankees hurry to build civilization - first comes the patent office, then the school network, and then the newspaper; only a newspaper is able to raise a dead nation from a coffin. In quiet corners sprouts of future industrial enterprises arise, where special agents gather capable young people. In these corners they also teach free thought, digging under the knighthood and church. At the same time, the Yankees are not instilling atheism, but a system of free Protestant congregations, so that everyone can choose their own religion. An electric civilization with a telegraph and a telephone grows underground, like red-hot lava in the bowels of an extinct volcano. People who have preserved their dignity, are inclined to independent thinking, the Boss personally sends People to the factory.
But his turbulent activity is interrupted by an absurd story: Alice Sandra la Carteloise, unknown to anyone else (later renamed the Master in Sandy), comes to Arthur’s court and tells that her mistress and forty-four beautiful virgins are imprisoned in the gloomy castle of three one-eyed, but four-armed giants. The honor of freeing beautiful captives Arthur provides the mentally cursing Yankees. Accompanied by Sandy, the Yankees set off in search, for they have no idea about the cards. He suffers from innumerable inconveniences, traveling in a shell when it is impossible to blow his nose, scratch himself, or climb a horse on his own, and yet he captures and sends to the court several knights, frightened by puffs of smoke from his pipe, which the Yankees let out through the visor.
Listening to Sandy’s chatter, he sadly recalls the “telephone young lady,” whom he loved in his former life: what a blessing it was to say in the phone in the morning: “Hello, central!” only then to hear her voice: “Hello, Hank!” Nevertheless, it’s nice to meet on the way his sales agent - a wandering knight with ads on his chest and back: “Persimmons soap! All prima donnas wash with this soap! ” Soap production is growing, despite the terrible stench, from which the king once nearly faints, and the most famous knight Lancelot only walks on the roof and swears, ignoring the presence of the ladies.
It is no less pleasant to meet a knight who advertises toothbrushes, who pursues a colleague who deceived him, who distributes varnish for stoves.
Finally, strangers get to the castle, which during this time by the power of evil spells turned into pig stables, giants into shepherds, and beautiful captives into pigs. It was not difficult to buy the whole herd in bulk - it was much more difficult, without taking off the lat and observing exquisite politeness, to take the captives to an overnight stay, placing them in the house of course: the Yankees had never sniffed anything like that! Fortunately, it is possible to hand the pigs into the hands of the servants, so that under the supervision they wait for their friends from all over the world. But, unfortunately, he does not manage to get rid of the excessively talkative Sandy - some other knight must repulse her in a duel.
The Yankees are faced with terrible pictures of slavery, but they want to eradicate it with the hands of a people who are so far amazingly indifferent to the sufferings of slaves. Then he learns that nearby, in the Valley of Holiness, a miraculous spring has dried up and Merlin has been hard-witted for three days over him, but in vain. Yankee discovers that the holy well needs ordinary repairs, and restores it, but for a bigger effect, he sets up the start-up of the water with such pyrotechnic effects that Merlin is sent home on a stretcher. New newspapers portray the event in such a cheeky Arkansas style that even the Host is jarred.
In his absence, the king undertakes to embody the idea of an examination for an officer rank, and the main requirement is the birth. But the Boss finds a way out: to compose for the noble youth a special regiment of His Majesty, endowed with all kinds of privileges, and to compose the rest of the army from more ordinary materials and demand knowledge and discipline from them, since other valor is not available to them. The Yankees even think of making the service in the court regiment so prestigious that in the name of its members of the royal house should refuse to use the special royal fund. This promises noticeable relief for the state treasury.
To get acquainted with the life of the common people, the Yankees intends to go on a trip around the country, dressed as a free commoner. The king is delighted with this idea, linked with him. The travelers are given a lot of trouble and dangers by the proud posture of the king; once the Master literally saves him from the knights furious with his abuse, throwing a dynamite bomb under their horses' hooves. The King, under the guidance of the Master, is trying to master submissive posture, but he lacks the main teacher - hopeless worries. But the king surprisingly noble behaves when faced with smallpox! And at the same time, even in the most egregious cases, he takes the side of the noble against the noble.
The people who come across them along the way show depressing drowsiness and clogging in conversations, but there are also manifestations of a sense of justice, willingness to sacrifice in the name of loved ones; any nation, the Yankees think, is capable of creating a republic, even as oppressed as Russian, and as timid and indecisive as German.
In the end, despite the king’s courage, they and the Master were illegally sold into slavery at a public auction, and the king seemed to be most offended by the fact that he was given nine dollars for the minister and only seven for him. The slave trader quickly realizes that the “swagger” of the king (the Yankees begs the king not to talk about his royal rank, so as not to destroy both of them) repels buyers, and begins to beat out a proud spirit from him. But, despite all the tortures, the king remains unbroken. Trying to free themselves, the Yankees and the king almost fall on the gallows, but they are saved by a detachment of knights on bicycles, timely called by the Boss on the phone.
Meanwhile, the returning Sir Sagramore is engaging in a duel, and the Yankees, despite all of Merlin's tricks, are killing Sagramor with a shot from a revolver that has not been seen here. In continuation of his victories, he calls into battle all the wandering chivalry. Five hundred horsemen rush at him, but a few shots, each time knocking out the rider, are enough to put this avalanche on the run.
Wandering chivalry as an institution perishes. The triumphal march of civilization begins. The counts and dukes are becoming railway conductors, wandering knights are traveling salesmen, the Yankees are already planning to change tournaments to baseball competitions. Yankee marries Sandy and finds her a treasure. Hearing how in a dream he often repeats “Hello, central!”, She decides that he repeats the name of his former lover, and generously gives this name to their daughter born to them.
And here, using her own adjusted absentee from the Master, the church strikes - excommunication: even the funeral is held without the participation of the priest. Excommunication is accompanied by civil unrest. Sir Lancelot, a large stockbroker, with skillful fraud, rips off as sticky other holders of railway stocks, including the two nephews of the king. In revenge, they open Arthur's eyes to the long-standing relationship of his wife Ginevra with Lancelot. During the outbreak of war, the king dies, and the Church along with his killer excommunicates the Master.
Having strengthened himself in the old Merlin Cave, the Boss with the faithful Clarenough and fifty-two young men gives battle to “the whole of England”, because while he is alive, the church will not remove the excommunication. With the help of dynamite and artillery, the Master destroys the knightly vanguard of a huge army, but he himself receives a dagger from a wounded knight whom he is trying to help. While he is recovering, an epidemic begins from the decomposition of thousands of corpses. Merlin, clean-shaven, appears in the cave under the guise of a lonely old woman and, with the help of some manipulations, lulls the Master for thirteen centuries.
Returned to the previous era, the Boss dies, repeating in delirium the names of Sandy and Hello Central.
